A passenger of my own thoughts

With recent events and how things have been unfolding, I noticed something I don’t think I ever have before. As things slowly built up and everything all piled on at once, usually I am quite able in my own opinion to deal with such situations. This time was not one of those times. Not at all. There is no need to get into the details of everything that has been going on, but dissecting how my brain pieced it all together and handled it is another thing. We all find our own way to deal with such situations and it is not always necessarily just one way. Typically I prioritise the issues and deal with them one at a time to get it all sorted systematically and logically trying not to let anyone or myself down.

Now this typically works fine and I would even say that it is a very efficient way of dealing with things. But on this occasion, I took the back seat, I was a passenger. Essentially I felt that I was not in control. This I know is not just something that I don’t like but I know other people don’t like it when not in control. By the nature of what was occurring I wasn’t fully in control of everything, but not being in control of your own thoughts is something else. It wasn’t even just watching thoughts occur or just not being able to think. It was a combination of multiple things. I was watching my thoughts go round in circles, stuck in a loop. I was watching my thoughts fail to make a clear thought on one or many things. And I was even able to think about what was going on in a somewhat clear way.

But that’s where those thoughts ended, they would start, get close and then just stop. But the circling thoughts would continue. And with obvious reason this was very distracting. But more so discomforting and annoying. I do have an understanding as to why this occurred. However this doesn’t change how it affected me or how it prevented me from clearly thinking things through. In the end it turns out that my brain was just stuck waiting for something to develop. Once the waiting and dealing with it over a few days had passed it just became simple. One piece after another I was able to process it.

This doesn’t change how I had to watch myself fail to process and think clearly. That I was stuck and couldn’t think something through. How I was able to have thoughts that were in the right direction but not lead me anywhere closer. All I can do is not stress or worry over it but to see if I can use it to learn how to deal with something similar in future. That is all anyone can do, use all experiences both good and bad to take it as something to learn from. Figure out what it is that can be done better or differently. Or just how to cope in a situation like that in a better way.